Silly Mood

So, I'm not pregnant. Thank Fuck. I always knew I wasn't... is it kind of wrong that I kind of hoped that I was so that I would have an excuse to stay in Hong Kong a little longer and have the baby and then give it away to some poor young couple who can't have children.

Anywhoo. I've been having a good couple of weeks. I graduated, finished my exams and got a job as a part-time receptionist at a hair salon. Unfortunately, I haven't been present at NA meetings for almost 3 weeks. I've missed my own meeting that I chair twice in a row now. I think that I need to remove myself from that position because I'm not doing it any justice.

Yesterday, I was in a fucking horrible mood. Was quite short with EVERYONE. My mother ended up spending around $2500 HKD on me buying clothes. I had about $1000 in my bank account and drained the entire thing. My mother literally gave me my ATM card the day before.

I felt like absolute shit, having spent all my money on materialistic things. I never used to give a shit about what I wore or how I looked... that's probably also why I felt so shit about myself because every time I would look around our Pier 3 table, I would be jealous of all the other girls in some way. I thought I was better than them though because I had the boys on my side, and it was really their approval that won and was required to be deemed worthy to be at the Pier. I later lost their approval because of my silly drug using and radioactive fucking mood swings.

On a happier note. I'm doing more and more makeup with people. I was able to the makeup for a photoshoot the other day for the DISCONNECT hair magazine that my friend's dad owns. Tonight I am doing my friend Karina's makeup for a photoshoot that she's doing in some garden. She's been annoying me a little lately, but that's what happens to me. It always happens. I go to extremes of hanging out with people and then I don't have any down time.

Before, when I lived on my own floor in our 3-storey-house I was able to get away and just be by myself. In my current Mui Wo home where my parents live... my mother is there trying to engage conversation but instead she just gossips and bitches about people I don't know. I can't stand gossip. It pisses me off. I remember for so many years, probably from the time I was about 8-10 and 12-15, I would cry almost every night because of the cruel, cruel things that were said about me. Luckily, after rehab and some therapy I learned to grow some balls.

I don't cry very often, but its usually when I'm in moods like the one I was in yesterday I feel it is appropriate to have a good cry and let it out. Unfortunately, if I'm not in my tiny Mui Wo home, I'm at Kai's house. Kai isn't usually here which is nice because then I can have some "me" time.

I don't think I get lonely too often because if I do I reach out to people, but to a certain extent I honestly think that I am a misanthropist. I feel like I can't be around people too long because then I become like them. Oh god, how silly do I sound? I don't isolate. I just don't like to get too caught up in other people's bullshit. I try to stay true to me and who I am and recently I've been getting that back. A couple of weeks ago I just felt so, so lost.