I'm Shit.

I thought being strong meant that you don't talk about how you feel and you just get on with life.
I was so very wrong. I haven't been strong at all, in fact I've been weaker than ever.

Kai cheated on me and I was hysterical for the first two days straight. I was pretty distraught for the remainder of the week and by the second week I just didn't want to talk about any of it anymore because every time I thought about him cried. So, I just pretended that I was over it, which I wasn't and which I still am not.

I told Kai about how I felt though and would call him or bbm him about all my mixed-emotions. Am I retarded? The one person I shouldn't speak to ever again in my life. The one person I shouldn't be civil or sympathetic towards. The one person I should fucking despise.

Whatever.

The fact is, I'm not over it in the slightest and yesterday was an entire evening of crying to myself in the dark. I spoke to Kai and he screamed at me, telling me that I was stockholming myself, which I was. So then I called Clem, who has always been there for me. I didn't want to call him out of the blue and cry, but it had to be done. It felt so good to get everything off my chest to someone who had been in a similar situation and handled it the way you should - he moped for two months and talked about it.

This breakup has been consuming me, but I haven't been speaking about it because I didn't want people to think I was a hypocrite or a pussy. I've looked at girls in my situation and thought they were twats for not leaving their boyfriends sooner, or not leaving at all!!! But, no one wants to recognise or acknowledge the beginning of the end.

I'm hurt. I feel slightly broken at the moment and the only person who can fix me, is me.

Today, I feel shit. Overworked and stressed... but all that time at the gym is starting to pay off and I've got partial abs back haha. I want to feel beautiful all over again. I just want to immerse myself so fully in dance and work that I don't have time to think about anything else. I don't want to be able to think fullstop.

I should thank Kai for cheating and teaching me a lesson.

When I'm over this, I'm going to be re-inforced steel, and I will NEVER let myself get close to being that vulnerable again. No silly boy or stupid man will ever have all of me. The only person I can rely on is myself and at the moment, I'm letting myself down.

I'm seriously considering going back to NA because I don't think I can keep on drinking and honestly be happy. Part of the reason I kept on drinking was because I thought Kai liked the sex better.

I don't want this anymore... all these horrible, horrible worthless feelings. How could I let myself get this far? It's so very hypocritical.