I'm Shit.

I thought being strong meant that you don't talk about how you feel and you just get on with life.
I was so very wrong. I haven't been strong at all, in fact I've been weaker than ever.

Kai cheated on me and I was hysterical for the first two days straight. I was pretty distraught for the remainder of the week and by the second week I just didn't want to talk about any of it anymore because every time I thought about him cried. So, I just pretended that I was over it, which I wasn't and which I still am not.

I told Kai about how I felt though and would call him or bbm him about all my mixed-emotions. Am I retarded? The one person I shouldn't speak to ever again in my life. The one person I shouldn't be civil or sympathetic towards. The one person I should fucking despise.

Whatever.

The fact is, I'm not over it in the slightest and yesterday was an entire evening of crying to myself in the dark. I spoke to Kai and he screamed at me, telling me that I was stockholming myself, which I was. So then I called Clem, who has always been there for me. I didn't want to call him out of the blue and cry, but it had to be done. It felt so good to get everything off my chest to someone who had been in a similar situation and handled it the way you should - he moped for two months and talked about it.

This breakup has been consuming me, but I haven't been speaking about it because I didn't want people to think I was a hypocrite or a pussy. I've looked at girls in my situation and thought they were twats for not leaving their boyfriends sooner, or not leaving at all!!! But, no one wants to recognise or acknowledge the beginning of the end.

I'm hurt. I feel slightly broken at the moment and the only person who can fix me, is me.

Today, I feel shit. Overworked and stressed... but all that time at the gym is starting to pay off and I've got partial abs back haha. I want to feel beautiful all over again. I just want to immerse myself so fully in dance and work that I don't have time to think about anything else. I don't want to be able to think fullstop.

I should thank Kai for cheating and teaching me a lesson.

When I'm over this, I'm going to be re-inforced steel, and I will NEVER let myself get close to being that vulnerable again. No silly boy or stupid man will ever have all of me. The only person I can rely on is myself and at the moment, I'm letting myself down.

I'm seriously considering going back to NA because I don't think I can keep on drinking and honestly be happy. Part of the reason I kept on drinking was because I thought Kai liked the sex better.

I don't want this anymore... all these horrible, horrible worthless feelings. How could I let myself get this far? It's so very hypocritical.

I start off every morning crying and I don't know why.
I'm feeling severely depressed and its because I have just come back from a relapse and my support systems aren't very strong. I need to find a sponsor soon.
I may even book in for an appointment with my doctor this weekend to get some homeopathic anti-depressants or something.
I feel so, so lonely.

Finding Me Again

So silly... haven't been on this thing for months and the last post I wrote about was how I've lost my sense of self.

I guess that I haven't really known who I am for a while. I think that it happens when I build up to a relapse. I've been drinking for the last couple of months and it hasn't helped anything. Well, maybe I was better in bed, but that resulted in me getting covered in bruises because things got too rough.

Uhh, I don't know what the point of this is.

Basically, I'm lonely and trying to put myself back out there and meet new friends because I depend and rely on Kai too much. We've had talks and he's basically sick of me and I was ready to move out because I couldn't stand his lack of effort. The same thing happened with Rich and he ended up regretting his decision.

I need to find out who I am and the only way I know how to do that is to go back to meetings. I hate being codependent and reliant on Kai, but its kind of his fault. However, I should be the one taking responsibility for my shit, but it fucks me off that he doesn't apologise for anything or take responsibility for his shit.

Ugh. I don't know what I'm even talking about. This isn't helping.

I feel like i've lost my spark

I don't know who I am..

I feel like I'm losing my sense of self. I feel like I'm constantly competing with the "Kai Walker Show". In the beginning it was fun, he was crazier than me. Now... I don't know who I am. I'm not crazy anymore. Even hannah says I'm much quieter, not so loud and out there.

Kai doesn't know who I really am. I don't wanna prove it to him. I can't be bothered. I don't have enough time or energy.

I'm kind of giving up on everything at this point. I'm not great at work. I'm not great at makeup. I'm not great at anything anymore.

I feel like I don't know how to interact with people. I've lost that bubbly personality I had once upon a time and it fucking sucks.

Sometimes I feel like Kai looks down on me. I feel like a fucking kid with no life experience. I've never felt like that before. In the past, I was the mature one... now I feel like I know nothing, am nothing, appear to be nothing.

I am just a fucking kid though. With no life experience. I'm sick of Kai being better than me at EVERYTHING. I can't stand it. I should get angry soon... I'm more upset and angry at myself than anything.

I'm so over feeling like shit. I need to get myself out of this funk.

I swear its the birth control that I'm on.

Walls

The more Kai opens up.. the more I feel like I should, but I can't.

Today he asked me whether or not I thought he was "the one". And to be perfectly honest, I try and push thoughts like that out of mind ever since Rich. I did all that lovey dovey stuff with Rich and he ended up hurting me repeatedly over and over again.

I'm still scared of getting hurt and I know that Kai could hurt me so, so badly. I still want to be practical and realistic about this relationship. I mean, I didn't think it was possible to fall back in love again. Rich was my first love but he didn't always treat me the respect I deserved and I guess I didn't always treat him well, but that was usually used to some drug-induced or alcoholic rage. It was only after about a year of being clean and sober that I got sick and tired of Rich's shit and lack of concern.

Kai does all the things that I thought girls do hahaha. He reminds me of me when I first started seeing Rich. He makes so much effort for me. Its all about the little things, like wanting to meet me just for 10 minutes or telling me that I'm beautiful. Whereas Rich could only tell me how great I was when he was drunk.

And Kai is kind of really gorgeous.

I want to be able to just be silly and honest and cute with him. But I really, really don't wanna get hurt.

I need to just LET GO.

I need some fucking serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the thing I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm also getting tired of meetings. Haven't been in a while...

Numero Tres

I love the side braid from the Alexander Wang Runway.

Silly Mood

So, I'm not pregnant. Thank Fuck. I always knew I wasn't... is it kind of wrong that I kind of hoped that I was so that I would have an excuse to stay in Hong Kong a little longer and have the baby and then give it away to some poor young couple who can't have children.

Anywhoo. I've been having a good couple of weeks. I graduated, finished my exams and got a job as a part-time receptionist at a hair salon. Unfortunately, I haven't been present at NA meetings for almost 3 weeks. I've missed my own meeting that I chair twice in a row now. I think that I need to remove myself from that position because I'm not doing it any justice.

Yesterday, I was in a fucking horrible mood. Was quite short with EVERYONE. My mother ended up spending around $2500 HKD on me buying clothes. I had about $1000 in my bank account and drained the entire thing. My mother literally gave me my ATM card the day before.

I felt like absolute shit, having spent all my money on materialistic things. I never used to give a shit about what I wore or how I looked... that's probably also why I felt so shit about myself because every time I would look around our Pier 3 table, I would be jealous of all the other girls in some way. I thought I was better than them though because I had the boys on my side, and it was really their approval that won and was required to be deemed worthy to be at the Pier. I later lost their approval because of my silly drug using and radioactive fucking mood swings.

On a happier note. I'm doing more and more makeup with people. I was able to the makeup for a photoshoot the other day for the DISCONNECT hair magazine that my friend's dad owns. Tonight I am doing my friend Karina's makeup for a photoshoot that she's doing in some garden. She's been annoying me a little lately, but that's what happens to me. It always happens. I go to extremes of hanging out with people and then I don't have any down time.

Before, when I lived on my own floor in our 3-storey-house I was able to get away and just be by myself. In my current Mui Wo home where my parents live... my mother is there trying to engage conversation but instead she just gossips and bitches about people I don't know. I can't stand gossip. It pisses me off. I remember for so many years, probably from the time I was about 8-10 and 12-15, I would cry almost every night because of the cruel, cruel things that were said about me. Luckily, after rehab and some therapy I learned to grow some balls.

I don't cry very often, but its usually when I'm in moods like the one I was in yesterday I feel it is appropriate to have a good cry and let it out. Unfortunately, if I'm not in my tiny Mui Wo home, I'm at Kai's house. Kai isn't usually here which is nice because then I can have some "me" time.

I don't think I get lonely too often because if I do I reach out to people, but to a certain extent I honestly think that I am a misanthropist. I feel like I can't be around people too long because then I become like them. Oh god, how silly do I sound? I don't isolate. I just don't like to get too caught up in other people's bullshit. I try to stay true to me and who I am and recently I've been getting that back. A couple of weeks ago I just felt so, so lost.

Numero Uno

I havent had a blog for a while, and my space button currently isnt working... nor is my backspace, caps, apostrophe and numerous other buttons. This is extremely frustrating. Im having to copy&paste every space in.

Anywhooo. The reason that ive started this blog up is simply for me to let some steam off. I dont really talk to people about my feelings and I suppose this is like an online diary. At the moment, im just feeling so overwhelmed... by what? Im not exactly sure about that. Recently, Ive just been harbouring some very angry feelings - towards no one in particular, but im aware that they are there. Im recognising that im not myself really... and Ive felt these kinds of heavy, consuming feelings before.

I think im simply confused.

Im in this new relationship, which has progressed extremely fast. im practically living with the guy, lets call him K... and its been barely three months. Im a recovering drug addict with about 20 months clean and sober. Yesterday was my 18th birthday, my first official day to be allowed legal alcohol and I didnt touch a drop... something that has been haunting me for the past couple of months.

I struggle a lot with my age and the expectations that different people may have of me. It used to be such a problem for me to be me. I was constantly worrying about what people wanted me to be rather than just being myself.

I find that more recently Im acting in this way all over again. Probably because my boyfriend has certain expectations, as do his family, particularly his mother. I feel that ive got to constantly have my guard up and my mask on around him now. I felt more open at the start of our relationship than I do now. I feel like ive got to be so, so pretty all the time, which is something i enjoy doing - getting my nails and hair done, taking time to do my makeup and to wear nice outfits - but its so much more than that now. K expects me to dress a certain way if I visit him at the mall (he is a retail leasing officer for one of the biggest, if not the biggest, mall in Hong Kong). I have to look/act a certain way around different friends or family members. Its so, so draining and I hate feeling like this. I feel lost all over again... like the confused, fucked up teenager I was five years ago. Im feeling almost neurotic and I really need to concentrate on me and my needs. What Zig feels and wants and deserves. I thought that K was perfect... but this relationship is becoming fucking toxic to me, my recovery and my sanity. I know that I should talk to him about it... but he doesnt really understand. I know myself better than anyone else and I know that chameleonising my personality is not what i need right now.

Exams are stressing me out, but not stressing me out quite enough. Im fine with doing ok, I dont particularly worry about getting high grades. I just wanna pass.

My mother nonstop whines and cries about how im never at home... its because I need some time for myself to be alone and just be me. This new, tiny house that we moved into is literally suffocating to sit inside. There is nothing for me here. I wanna leave home and be on my own... unfortunately I dont have a job yet. Went for an interview today... i think it went well.

Im angry.

I dont honestly know why... I think its an accumulation of little things that i have let slide by. Little things that I dust off. Except the difference between the dusting off of emotions now from about 5 months ago... is that im hoarding these feelings somewhere inside me. All my little insecurities are building and building. Only one thing makes me feel this way and that is something kind of like love. I felt like this on a daily basis when I was with R, my longterm bf. We were children when we were together and i loved him unconditionally back then. He moved away to uni and I had to be the one in the relationship who had enough balls to let go and move on. When I went on my single-girl-boy-rampage (which was honestly not even much of a rampage...) I felt so free... so much more empowered. I was so chilled out. Nothing really bothered me.

The problem with me, and most addicts, is that I am extremely co-dependent. Im also a people-pleaser. So I usually pour myself into relationships and give myself to that person fully. With K, i wanted to take it slower but he is such a great guy... it just didnt happen.

I think about things so much and I really just want to get out of my head. I need some serenity in my life. I need to clear my mind, keep myself occupied, distracted, focused.

I want to feel at ease. Im frustrated. Im extremely confused and its taken me about an hour to write this entire thing because i do not have the luxury of a working keypad. Damn you MacAir.

Ive gained four kg, my skin is terrible and I really want my period to come, because then Ill have something to blame these emotions on and K can stop cracking not-so-funny-and-almost-kinda-serious pregnancy jokes. haha?

I should be studying... but I feel slightly better. I think I need a bit of a cry because I havent had one in a while. I just want to feel relieved and lighter and normal.

Merh.